I wish I could’ve seen the look on your face
I wish I could’ve heard the hitch in your voice
the gasp of air
the guilty smirk on your face
I, so much, wish I could’ve been the stone in your stomach that made it drop to the floor so fast.
faster than you denying your incredibly “loving” and committed relationship.
“I came to see you”
“why would you come and not say hi?”
that would be because I imagined myself heading towards you
and once our eyes locked
and without a second thought
I’d kiss you and everything would be so fucking magical
but the reality of the situation would be more like:
our eyes would lock
and then I’d see her,
your very devoted girlfriend,
and I giggle in pain
and walk away.
oh how I wish …
I wish you could’ve seen my reaction
I wish you could’ve heard my words
the hitch in my breathing
the smile on my face
then the tears running down showing you that you fucked with damaged goods.
and with the wrong kind,
no one wins.
I beat my head over on your chest. knowing damn well that I’m not the girl for you.
I desperately press my fingers on yours.
to be the girl you want.
to be the girl you need.
but I’m not the girl for you.
so I go.
I walk away.
remembering how you felt on my skin.
how you made me smile.
how we were able to talk like we’ve known each other for so long.
but I walk away.
I repeatedly and rhythmically look back to you.
as if my longing stare will change the inevitable fact that
I’m not yours.
the intruding thought burns bitterly in my mind.
nevertheless, I get used to the searing pain.
for my sanity,
yet, I won’t ever forget.
because my heart still burns,
the bitter pain, for you.
I can’t forget but
the mantra in my head repeats,
like scratched vinyl, saying
real friends don’t exist anymore? that’s what’s happening? I don’t fucking understand. I can’t trust ANYONE anymore. I feel like I give myself to everyone to use. and that’s what I do. get used. never getting shit back. and if I do feel like I can talk about stuff and be myself, I get shit down or shut out and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being the back burner friend. I’m tired of feeling busted and disgusted. fuck everyone.